Oh hey. It’s been a minute.
I think you should know I’m pretty sure I really started this blog as a way to work through all the emotions coming aboard the Julianna train these days. There was also the intention to share what we’re doing out here and hopefully entice you to come and join us in some capacity sometime soon. But I’m realizing that these two things might not be as compatible as I thought they would be.
Business Brain: stay positive, not fake, but be uplifting in some way.
Heart: I’m a wreck.
Business Brain: Your bosses might read this. Don’t say anything negative!
Heart. I’m really struggling.
Business Brain: You’ve been running your own business for 15 years. You have a career to continue and an “image” to hold up.
Heart: WTF is that?
BB: Be optimistic, strategic. There is a lot of great opportunity, raw material and possibility out here. Don’t complain. Also, your family may be reading this. And other people.
H: I’m tired. And sad. I feel guilty for complaining about anything but it doesn’t change the heavy feeling in my chest. I miss my old life; the me, the us I had known up until this move.
BB: Hang in there.
So I guess I could keep this blog going as the rosey version of everything going on out here….I could do that – there really is a lot of positive momentum, interesting and objectively exciting stuff going. And truly beautiful pictures to paint for sure.
But that would only be half my heart and I’ve never known how to do just one and not the other (ok, let’s be honest – I only know how to rejoice in the joy after the sorrow has been properly addressed). And part of what I miss the most is the heart connections I had on a daily basis – teaching isn’t/wasn’t just a job for me – it’s a lifeline to the heart space, to the wordless feelings I could share with so many of you over and over every week for years and years, just by being together in the space of yoga for an hour and a half. I miss that SO MUCH. And now – it feels like this writing is all I have – the only way I can at least tap into it on my end and hopefully when we connect again, this little thread will have helped maintain the connection.
So I’ll be honest. It’s been really hard. I think I might have already said that. Hard in some ways I anticipated and others I didn’t expect.
Brad’s injury was a bit more serious than I let on last time (see note above: don’t scare anyone away). When he fell off the ladder, he was 6 feet up in basically a giant concrete container. His foot got caught between the top rungs as the ladder slipped and his body went one way, the leg the other. The only thing preventing him from falling on his neck, back or head was that leg. It eventually broke, just below the knee where the shin bone meets the joint. Emergency surgery, 4 nights in the hospital, allergies to medication, no walking or driving for three months, fainting from low blood pressure, not to mention the emotional struggle of this happening so soon after we got here and the hold that put on a lot of our plans. But still, we were really lucky, and I mean that.
This was all in the midst of the power and water going out frequently, no internet (I know I know but the pain was real) and on a more serious note, an unexpected death in the family. Amidst the three of us (Brad, Adan and I) navigating and adjusting to our new living environment, both together and independently. There’s been a whole lot more cooking and cleaning and little bandwidth for reimagining my yoga career so far. There’s not as much clarity and personal agency work wise as I am used to.
The people out here are incredible. Everyone is SO FRIENDLY (from a NYC veteran this warmth is still taking some getting used to). The connections I had before I arrived have been lifelines, introducing me wholeheartedly to their communities and friends. The are A LOT of freakin rainbows. I mean a lot a lot a lot. I’m still in love with the bunnies. The Mexican food is AWESOME (holla NH!!) My legs are finally getting a little color. We have good health insurance. We’ve had a lot of visitors and the most incredibly kind neighbors. Our employers are generous, the mountains are breathtaking, and over the weekend we drove by a herd of buffalo. We have internet now, and a generator, and the utility and delivery companies are figuring out where we are. And maybe most excitingly, I was able to sub a few classes in Santa Fe (thank you Cigall!)
So. This and that. My therapist would be proud 🙂
Mmmm, I think that might be all for now…..thank you for listening…..I’m boarding a plane to NH to teach for ten days. Will spend the flight trying to balance the excitement with the guilt, the old with the new, the green with the brown and the dark with the light 💕